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you've made your bed; now go screw yourself in it

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i fought my way back from the dead
purple kak
strawberispring
Title: Whacky Roommate Adventures part one: Toast
Word count: ~1800
Rating: G/PG probably
Pairings: Clint/Bobbi, Crystal/Pietro
Characters: Crystal Amaquelin, Clint Barton, Pietro Maximoff, Bobbi Morse
Universe: OUR OWN
Notes: dazzledfirestar and I decided that they are our canon-sues. And that there should be stories where they're roommates and have adventures. These are their stories. Also, Ronan uses the word "boo."


The ding of the toaster was music to Crystal’s ears. It had become a sort of nightly ritual for her. At eight o’clock—if not on patrol with the other Avengers—she would make herself toast and jam. Happily, she bounced over to the Mickey Mouse toaster she and Bobbi had purchased last week to collect her browned, crispy prize.

Naturally, as she pulled the toast—imprinted nicely with a picture of Mickey’s grinning visage on each side—Bobbi banged the door to their apartment open.

“You won’t believe what just happened,” the blonde said hurriedly.

Crystal sighed. “This is going to interfere with my toast, isn’t it?”

Bobbi nodded pityingly.

“Unfortunately. So. The other Avengers were fighting some Kree guy who just decided to show up and fuck with our fun.”

“Naturally. It’s a Kree. It’s what they do.” There was a hint of bitterness at the end of the girl’s words. “Continue.”

“Well, they pushed him away and all came back—nearly. Right before Kree guy blasted off into space, he took two prisoners. Because they couldn’t shut up.” Bobbi sighed and pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose. “Guess which two.”

“Oh, no.”

“Oh, yes. Our darling boyfriends were grabbed by some insane Kree to…I don’t know. Become his love slaves or something.”

Crystal cringed at the mental picture that suddenly projected itself in her mind’s eye. With a sigh, she gave a dejected look to her poor, unconsumed toast before looking back at Bobbi.

“And, let me guess: the others are going to wait to launch a counter-attack but you think we should just go and bring them back?”

“That’s the gist of it, yes.”

Another sigh.

“Fine. But they owe me toast.”

--

Getting to the Kree ship wasn’t difficult—not when Bobbi’s roommate’s pet happened to be a giant, teleporting dog. The convenience of traveling with Lockjaw nearly made up for the enormous doggie shits she had to pick up. Nearly.

“Now what?” Crystal asked.

Both girls had changed into their Avengers uniforms, which Bobbi was beginning to suspect was not a good idea. In her bell-sleeved leotard and Crystal in her yellow jumpsuit, they probably stood out like sore thumbs amongst the blue-skinned Kree. Bobbi sighed. On the upside, the ship was far too small to house too many soldiers and Lockjaw had at least teleported them somewhere mercifully vacant.

“I hate to get all Fred Jones on you but…let’s split up. I’ll find the guys, you find the Kree douche.”

Crystal nodded. “Deal.”

She knelt by Lockjaw and rubbed him behind one huge ear.

“Momma’s gotta go save daddy,” she cooed to him in a baby voice. “You go back to Earth. I’ll call you when we’re ready.”

Lockjaw panted slightly.

“Okay, mommy!” Crystal continued in a deep, booming voice that was Lockjaw’s ‘voice.’ Bobbi was getting used to her speaking for their pets.

With a flash of light, he teleported away.

“Alright,” Bobbi said once he was gone. “Let’s get down to business—don’t finish that sentence—and get the hell out of here.”

“Right.”

--

Crystal knew Bobbi’s plan was flawed—perhaps Karnak rubbed off on her too much—because what if this Kree soldier was with their boyfriends? It would be far simpler for them to explore together and maybe, at one point, run comically through a hallway full of connected doors.

She pushed a button and with a hiss of air, a door slid way to reveal what she assumed was a galley. Leaning against the counter was a rather oafish-looking Kree in ornate armor. Resting next to him on the counter was a rather Thor-esque hammer.

Crystal stepped into the room, making sure to be purposefully loud. Sure enough, as she stomped around the galley, he noticed her in an instant. His large hand immediately went to the handle of the hammer.

“Uh…how’s it hanging, Kree dude?” She offered in a sun-drenched, Californian accent. Clint had introduced her to the Bill and Ted films last weekend and their speech patterns were immensely infectious. When she returned to Attilan for Agon’s Day, she’d undoubtedly vex her family.

“Who are you, woman?” He growled in rather impeccably English. “And how did you get aboard my ship?”

“Um…” She stepped over to the counter by what appeared to be a knife block. “I’m Crystal…I got here via teleporting dog. I wanted to…visit my forefathers!”

At that, the Kree quirked a brow behind his cowl. “Forefathers?”

“Yes…forefathers. You see, I’m an Inhuman. And…you’re my forefather…s. The Kree, I mean. So I thought to myself ‘gee, I don’t know my ancestors…let’s find out!’ and there you have it. I decided to hitch a ride back to Hala.”

At her comment, he laughed. It was a steely, awful kind of laugh. The laugh of someone who didn’t buy her story for a second.

“Ronan knows you, girl,” he stated.

He speaks in third person? Of course he does…

“…No you don’t.”

He nodded and took a step closer. Crystal’s hand reached for the knife block.

“You were in the Fantastic Four for a spell.”

“No I wasn’t.”

Her hand crawled across the counter, finger by finger. She hoped he didn’t notice.

“And now you’re an Avenger.”

“No I’m not.”

“And you’re dating one of my prisoners.”

“…No I’m not.”

Crystal leaned against the counter, shifting her shoulders forward to cover her reaching arm.

“You’re confusing me with…She-Hulk. Yes. She was in the Fantastic Four. And the Avengers…she isn’t dating Quicksilver, though. But, hey, two out of three is not bad.”

“Are you not Crystalia Amaquelin? Daughter of Ambur and Quelin? Princess of the Inhuman Royal Family? Former girlfriend to the Human Torch?”

She paused, her hand finally wrapped around the hilt of one of the knives.

“Okay…that’s just a little creepy. Not gonna lie. But, not bad—Ronan, was it? Although…”

With a small grunt, she pulled the knife out and brandished it at him. Again, he laughed that steely sort of laugh. Crystal’s eyes traveled down to see that she had somehow grabbed a butter knife.

“A butter knife?” She stared at the flat, dull end. “Seriously? You’d think the Kree would have something a little more advanced…um…stay back?”

She took a step forward, holding the knife out. Ronan laughed once more.

“What do you honestly think you’re going to do to Ronan the Accuser with that pitiful knife, woman?”

“Uh…distract you while I do this?”

With a flick of her free hand, the air going into Ronan’s nostrils disappeared and he fell, gasping to the ground.

She leapt over him and headed towards the other side of the galley.

“I guess your creepy stalker file forgot to mention my elemental powers.” Crystal turned at the opposite doorway and held her hand in a traditional hang-loose gesture. “Catch ya later, Ronan the Accuser.”

--

Meanwhile, Bobbi was skulking around the various corridors of Ronan’s ship in search of their captured boyfriends. She knew immediately who the two were when she overheard Tony saying that they couldn’t shut their damn mouths for twenty seconds and they had somehow enraged Ronan further.

She pressed a panel to unlock a door and managed to find the prison bay. Being such a small ship, the brig consisted of floor to ceiling tubes. Only two tubes were occupied. In one, Pietro sat cross-legged, his head in his hands. In the other, Clint leaned against the curved side, pressing his mouth on it and expelling air to inflate his cheeks.

Bobbi marched purposefully over to them and placed her balled fists on her hips.

“You two are idiots,” she informed them soberly.

Clint removed his mouth from the glass. “Babe!”

The door slid open again and Bobbi jumped. Clint jumped as well, managing to bang his head on the side of the tube.

“Relax, it’s me.” Crystal stepped into the brig, hands widespread in a gesture of good faith. “I totally made Ronan the stalking creeper fall down so we have some time.”

Pietro looked up, a brow quirked.

“Stalking creeper?” he repeated.

“Yeah. He has all this information on me. It’s creepy.”

“Not surprised,” Clint remarked. “Guy’s got a total Wyman vibe to him. Anyway, babes, get us out of here.”

Bobbi sighed. “Alright.”

She pretended to cock her fist back to punch the tube and then dropped it.

“Oh, wait, that’d probably kill you. How’d he get you guys in there?”

Pietro finally stood and pointed over to a wall-mounted panel.

“He hit a button on that thing. Unfortunately, he used his ridiculous canned ham of a hand to lock us in here.”

The door hissed open again and, naturally, it was Ronan.

“That I did, speedster.”

Clint jumped a little in his tube.

“Jesus!” he hissed. “That guy is creepy.”

Ronan walked forward and leaned on his hammer. Bobbi noticed him staring at Crystal.

“What you did in the galley takes a lot of moxie. If your people needed to make an alliance, I’d so force you to marry me.”

She cringed visibly. “…That’s nice. Can you set our boyfriends free? We’ll leave.”

He shook his head. “No.”

“…I’ll show you my boobs.”

“CRYSTAL!” Pietro yelled, fogging up the curved glass of his tube.

“No.”

Clint coughed “queer” into his hand. Bobbi shot him a pointed look. In response, he held his hands up—palms out.

“I will, too,” Bobbi remarked.

“BABE!” Clint whined.

Ronan sighed. “No. If you want them free, you’ll have to best me in battle.”

Bobbi and Crystal exchanged a look.

“Okay.”

Bobbi leaned back and aimed a roundhouse kick at his head. Before Ronan could recover from the surprise hit, Crystal cocked her fist back and shoved it in his face. Ronan crumpled. Together, the girls dragged him over to the panel and fit his hand onto the hand-shaped pad. There was another hiss—as everything aboard this ship seemed to hiss—and the tubes keeping their boyfriends prisoners zipped into the ceiling.

“Babe!” Clint threw his arms out.

Bobbi let herself be pulled into his embrace. Next to her, Pietro and Crystal swung their joined hands from side to side before he pulled her in for a kiss.

“Aaand let’s go,” Bobbi said. “We can celebrate later. Crys, call your dog.”

The other girl pulled out a little communicator and, within second, Lockjaw was in the prison bay. They all touched his shaggy frame and the fork headpiece began to glow. Ronan lifted himself wearily to his elbows and looked at Crystal again.

“Call me, boo!” he shouted.

“Hey!” Pietro snapped. “She’s my boo…did I just use the word ‘boo’ non-sarcastically?”

Clint nodded with a grin. “Yup.”

“Goddamnit.”

Bobbi rolled her eyes. “You two are ridiculous.”

As they became to disappear, Crystal snapped her fingers.

“Oh! By the way, you both owe me toast.”

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This is the most exquisite piece of writing I have ever seen you produce in the confines of your journal, its content and expertise of character far surpasses all of your literary catalogue up to this point I...I....I'm speechless...

OH YOU DO GO ON. ♥

No really.

D:< GO ON!

call me, boo

AHHHH!!! LOL I CAN'T EVEN!!! AHHH!!! *GLEEEEEEE*

The "I'll show you my boobs" thing is killing me, seriously. I'm still giggling! And I think they owe Crys WAY more than toast! LOL

that was so much fun! They must have more misadventures! :D

I'll be over here glee'd out if you need me. LOL

THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING E________E

They do. She got herself saddled with a stalker for them. They best be grateful.

They do. But now my head's all swimmy. -hinthint- ^______________^

Eeep! Okay, I will never interfere with head swimming! ;)

Do you have any ideas for contributions? Because I think I'm cracked out for now x.x

Aside from the texting? No... I think I'm tapped...

I am in serious need of an old school Bobbi icon now... hmmm...

Oh my, this is fantastic!
I am so very glad that dazzledfirestar gave me the link for this fic! And I find myself adoring the 'roommates' verse all the more! Crystal is so young, and sweet and I LOVE the toast segments and how sweet she and Pietro were, swinging their hands before hugging.
Bobbi was just spot on perfect, tough, strong, certain and I love how in control she was of the situation^^
Then you add in the plot and wow, I eagerly await the next installment of the realm of roommates
-Sheng

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